If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize