Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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