are you still at the devil's house?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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