His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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