They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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