if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
