You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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