Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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