y did u give ur computer a hand job?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
