We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
