I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
cat food counts as protein by the way
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
