Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
