In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
