I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
