My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
