Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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