I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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