I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
