its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
