i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
last night I used snow as a chaser
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