They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
