My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
