Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
