I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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