I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
