Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
