two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
