Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
