I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
