we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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