I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
