The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
