Why is your signature on my underwear?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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