I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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