WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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