btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
