somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
