I wish I could teleport
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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