I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
