Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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