ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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