As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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