he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize