i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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