Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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