I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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