Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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