either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
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