i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize