You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
