Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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