if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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