I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
