I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
