you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
