I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
