i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
3 2 1 whiskey
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
