He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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